Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Depression: My Story

Okay so this is different than any other blog i have wrote before and painful to write but if it helps one reader it will be worth it.
I wanted to tell my story of my battle with depression! yes not allot of people know this about me and will be shocked! but i don,t think we talk enough about it and i never imagined myself writing this.
My life is,nt terrible there are thousands of people who are suffering allot worse than me. everyone,s story is different this is just mine and if you want to leave your story or message me i would be happy to hear!

I was always pretty okay when i was younger nothing major just a sickly child!
i think it really started when i was 14 " Teenage Angst" they told me! i started to get unbelievably stressed about little things and have panic attacks in my room sometimes i thought i would die because i couldn't breathe.
i was thin when i was young but my weight started to climb because of a bowel condition i had there was nothing i could do but eat healthy. I hated myself because i knew from that day i would never be like everyone else i hated to go out, i used to just cry in my room i played the violin up until this point but gave it up! then the migraines started and when i got one i was paralysed i wanted to cry they hurt so much but couldn't move!
then at 15 i started to self harm! it seems weird to write this but sometimes i don't think people understand! i wasn't trying to kill myself! i would not do it in showing places it was not for attention! it was something i had control of my body it seemed to me hated me! i couldn't live my life like i wanted so for that five minutes it was mine and i controlled it!
after i left high school it stopped but in between that time I'd try taking lots of pills unsuccessfully! for the next few years i self harmed on and off.
they worst part was when i was 18 i realised i was bisexual and started to see Jennie it was the most terrifying thing in the world to me! my mum thank god was fine most of my family were Jennie,s family don't approve and i cannot go to her house or anything.
not long after i got homophobic comments i used to go home and cry for hours!
one day after another comment i just snapped went home and started taking lot,s of pills with vodka! my mum came in dragged me to the kitchen and make me drink salt water to bring up the pills i felt so awful. i knew it was selfish but i found it hard to care after a few months it happened again and i was in hospital! they doctor screamed at me and said if i tried to kill myself with pills it would be a slow painful death! that scared the life out me!
My friends tried to be supportive but they did not understand they thought i was stupid and that i had the perfect life.
A few years passed and i started to sort my life out i had a new job my and Jennie were comfortable my family where happy and healthy i found a new confidence.
But December rolled round and i started to get down again i kept it under control for my with more self harming.
And then after Christmas this year i decide i couldn't do this anymore and i went to the doctors after years of saying i would never go. they put me on anti depressants which made me have insomnia and my personality changed i couldn't feel anything i was numb from the pills i went back they changed them and yes i started to feel like me again after a month i took myself of them.
Then my bowel problem came back and i found out that i would be on medication for the rest of my life! it got my down but i wouldn't let it beat me!
I know that it will never go away i think when you have been to that place you can't ever come back, i realise it will never go away but it is apart of me now! i understand that medication may help for some people and not others! it wasn't for me i had to find my own way to deal with it! i still get comments from my mother i shrug it off after what i have put her through i think i kind of deserve it.
I don't think enough people talk about depression it is still a taboo really.
I hope one day people won't think it is a disease and that people who suffer from it should ostracised. The mental health system needs serious help with how they deal and treat people with depression, we are not in the Victorian times now and we should be be able to deal it! and talk about it without it being weird! i hope this helps one person because it is not something to be ashamed of it happens and sometimes taking helps and sometimes it doesn't you just have to find your way your reasons for smiling and your reasons for getting up in the morning!
I even am thinking of taking the violin back up!
I hope you understand how painful this was to write and share with the world but it also has made me feel a little better.

And sorry there has been no new video's college is taking up allot of time and is my main priority i hope you understand hopefully i will get some videos up soon.
Thanks for taking the time to read this!